Leaning Out of Toxicity and Into Positivity

We’ve all heard the word toxic which can be used to describe many people, places, or things throughout our lives. If you look up toxicity in the dictionary you will find the definition to explain it as: “ The quality of being toxic or poisonous.”

Let’s face it, we have all been and will continue to be presented with toxic people, places, and things at some point or another, it’s how we respond to these that can make or break us.

Recently, I made a decision to lean out of a toxic family relationship in order to lean into more positivity in my life. This was not an easy decision for me to make, but it has definitely been a wonderful growth and learning experience. This relationship was something that had been mostly toxic for a greater part of my life and with God’s help, I have been able to see things more clearly now than I’ve ever been able to.

Toxic relationships can consist of many things: Passive-Aggressiveness, Manipulation, Anger Outbursts, Guilt Trips, Ignoring/Excluding, Constant Criticism, Always looking for something to be mad at the other person for, Incessant button pushing in order to get a rise out of the other person, Not taking responsibility for one’s actions in the relationship, Lack of encouragement, and Turning things around on the other person to make all of the issues their fault. Any of these sound familiar to you? If so, here are some things to think about and try in order to make the situation better or break free from it temporarily or long-term.

First, consider how long this has been going on and with whom or what. Has it been more rewarding or more draining and stressful to engage with this person or in this situation? How do you feel after you  have talked with this person or participated in the situation? Do you find yourself having to jump through hoops and perform a circus act in order for things to go smoothly? Do you dread the encounter or conversation? Do you feel like you have to walk on egg shells or consistently navigate and re-navigate this person or situation? How has this affected your health and happiness? How has it affected other people and areas of your life?

After assessing the above, it’s important to ask yourself how much more energy you want to put into it and take away from other people and things that could be adding more positivity to your life. 

If you feel the relationship or situation is worth more energy, then you can try talking to the person or going about the situation differently than you have in the past such as writing a letter. If you have already tried doing this one or more times, then maybe it is time to try distancing yourself or seeking guidance from someone else about the person or situation.

The bottom line is that it really is OK to lean out and separate yourself from people or situations that do not help to create positivity and peace in your life. Nothing or no one is worth being in a consistent state of turmoil.

Life is short, so grow, learn, explore, and find and spread positivity wherever you go!

I’d love to hear your thoughts about this blog or others.

Many blessings, health, and happiness to you,

Joelle❤️

Holidays, Family, & Forgiveness

“It’s the most wonderful time of the year” so the song sings, but is it?

For many people, it’s the most dreaded, painful, heartbreaking, aggravating, you name it, time of year. Not only are we going through our regular daily routines, but we’re also hustling and bustling here, there, and everywhere trying to find the perfect gift, Christmas tree, appetizer, etc. for our holiday get-togethers. If that wasn’t enough, add some family challenges to that and Christmastime is complete.

Most people have at least one or two family members that no matter what they do, they can never satisfy the other or maybe their energies/personalities just don’t quite mesh a lot of the time, maybe they’ve even stopped communicating or drastically reduced it. Then, the holidays roll around and the emotional bells start ringing about how to proceed.

Over the years, I’ve been learning much about how precious, fast, and short life is and that we are all going to have to deal with difficult people at some point, including in our own families. Let’s face it, we may even be or have been in the past, that difficult person. But ask yourself these questions: Am I growing? Am I willing to continue to grow and learn (even from difficult people), Am I practicing what I’m preaching and posting on social media about God, kindness, love, life, etc.?

Years ago, I was listening to a sermon in church about loving others and treating people with kindness. The pastor said that it’s great for us to be showing those qualities to the community and such, but the place it should start is in our own families.

What good is it if we preach and post about God and kindness, but then withhold love from our own family? Maybe it’s a passive-aggressive remark, not writing Love at the end of a letter, refusing to call that person first, talking negatively about them to others, favoring other siblings or family members to try and hurt the person more, being difficult to get together with, not bothering at all, not responding to a text, the list goes on and on.

So what can we do to constructively navigate these situations and relationships?

1. Acknowledge your part in the relationship even if it appears to be less of the problem than theirs.

2. Try to correct as best you can, areas you’ve erred in.

3. Extend forgiveness, its freeing, they may not be operating with the same mindset or relational abilities you have.

4. Watch Madea’s FriendshipTree, it’s a great illustration of what to do when you’ve done everything you could possibly do and the other party isn’t receptive.

5. Don’t drain your energy trying to jump through hoops to please that person or persons, chances are, they aren’t easily pleased and are probably unhappy and insecure in their own lives in more areas than one.

6. Come to the realization that you may not ever convince them of your worth, they just aren’t going to buy what you’re selling, period.

7. Love them from a distance, reach out when you truly feel you want to without forcing yourself.

8. Dumb down your expectations, expect that they’re not going to welcome you with open arms and be overjoyed that you’re reaching out to them.

9. You may even have to just stay away if the relationship becomes too hostile, but knowing you’ve done your best, be at peace with it.

10. Lastly, if possible, try and practice the end part in the original Home Alone movie; we sure can learn a lot from the eyes and hearts of children’s feedback to us. In case it’s not ringing a bell, watch the part where the older man speaks to Kevin in the church and then reconciles with his son later.

Most importantly, learn from the experience, be different, appreciate your own worth, and put energy into those relationships that bring you joy and fill you up, be that for others.

Merry Christmas and many blessings to you,

Joelle